As I say Goodbye
by Dalourice
Summary: Youji, playboy extraordinaire, finds it hard to leave his one nightstand.


As I say Goodbye.  
  
Good-bye. I hate that phrase. It makes everything sound so final, as if it has died and there is no hope of it ever returning but I suppose it's the only one that is so definite.  
  
See you soon. I've never been fond of that one either. Define soon. Do you mean today, tomorrow, next week. It can't mean months into the future because that's not soon. Also I should mention see you later. That's said so often. Later, well I'd infer that that meant at some point later in today. Not next week but today.  
  
Farewell. Farwell, not something you can use in everyday use. More of something to use if a person is going away for a long time. Farewell, it's something I'd say to my parent's when they were going away for a long time. It just seems so. . . formal.  
  
I can never find the right way to say good-bye. Tonight I'm stood over yet another person I've bedded debating how to say it and I know I'll stick to what I normally do and just walk away without saying anything in parting. Sure normally when I see someone I've treated like that I'll either be ignored or shouted at but it's what I deserve so I have no problem with that. They way I trait people is despicable. I'll use them then walk out while they're still sleeping. How cowardly is that?  
  
But I'm finding it hard to say good-bye to you. I watch you as you sleep so peacefully in bed not knowing my inner turmoil. I use people on a daily basis and I have no problem in leaving them to wake alone in bed feeling used and abandoned so why can't I do that here and now? It's how I've done things since Asuka died, why am I finding it impossible to leave you? Why can't I just walk out the door and put it down to another one nightstand.  
  
The whole reason I have such meaningless relationships is because of what they are: meaningless. I don't want another broken heart. I don't want something meaningful. I don't want a reason to put myself in such a vulnerable position, to allow someone to get so close to me that it will cause the most wonderful sense of bliss in the world only to have it snatched away from me and to experience the most agonising pain of them all. I leave so I don't find myself in that situation. I just see them as empty bodies that I use for my own needs. I don't need anything else. I don't need to stay around. It's best for me to leave. It's what I want. I don't want emotional attachment.  
  
Well why am I finding it so hard to walk to the door, open it and leave and act as if it was just another fling. Why can't I leave you sleeping like I have done with so many? Why can't I leave you to your dreams while I try to escape the demons?  
  
We've been here before. You sleeping, sated after we've had sex, careful to be quiet so not to wake the others and me, well I leave and let you sleep. I'm there to satisfy your needs and you do for me what I normally get with some random bimbo I pick up. At least this way it saves me some money but I look at your peaceful, sleeping face and know I don't want to leave. I want to stay here. I have such an intense feeling of longing even though every part of me is telling to me leave, walk out of the door and don't look back before I end up getting hurt again.  
  
Why can't I leave you? I'm beginning to sound like a parrot asking the same thing over and over again until it drives me crazy. What is it about you tonight that is making this so damn impossible?  
  
I absentmindedly begin to sweep the silky tresses of hair off the beautiful sleeping face. It's strange to watch you nuzzling my hand as if you're a kitten trying to be petted. I affectionately begin to stroke your stunningly beautiful face  
  
Affectionately? I never do that type of thing. I don't form that type of relationships with a person. All I want is sex but if sex is all I want why am I here? Why do I feel things for you that I've not felt in s long? Why despite how hard I tried to stop myself do I find myself wanting more than sex from you?  
  
And I realise the reason I can't leave your room. I don't want to leave you. I want more. I want to feel the ultimate bliss of being with the one you . . . love. The way I feel must be love. I've tried to avoid if for so long I forgot what the signs were. I forgot the sensation of falling in love and now it's too late. I must be in love with you or else why do I always feel a need to be near you? Why do I have the desire to make you happy? Why can't I get you out of my head?  
  
My feelings before now I'd just put down to lust. I know you're one of the most attractive people I've ever met. I think you beauty personified. I never thought of my feelings as nothing more than an intense lust.  
  
I can't leave. I've been trying for nearly an hour now. I just can't tear myself away from you as you sleep. I want to stay and protect you from any harm that may come in the night. I give up and climb back into bed with you and wrap an arm around your waist pulling you tight.  
  
"I love you," I whisper knowing you're asleep  
  
"I love you too," you say as you turn to look at me, "I'm glad you choose to stay"  
  
I guess I failed. All I want is to say good-bye and walk away, not fall in love again. I guess it's too late for that.  
  
The End  
  
Well that was something random that I have no idea from where it came from. I hope you liked it. I found it strange. Maybe it's the stress of having to go to evil university interviews that caused it.  
  
So who do you think Youji was with then? To be honest I don't know myself so I'll let you choose. 


End file.
